The death of Maito Gai
by New Warrior of Fire
Summary: According to a newspaper article, Gai has had a recent near-death experience. However, the ninja students are skeptical. Is the story for real, or is Gai just full of crap? Warning: Gai fans should not read. Slight OOC on Lee's part.


Naruto Uzumaki was reading the morning paper. The sun was rising, the air was cool, and it was Saturday morning. It was a great day- or at least, it would have been.

The front page read a story of a man who had barely survived a serious medical condition the previous night. To Naruto's surprise, it had all gone on in that very village. Even more shocking was that the man was Gai-sensei.

Even as much as he hated Gai, this wasn't something he'd seen coming. His first impulse was to tell the first person he could find, who turned out to be Shikamaru.

"Hey Shikamaru!" he yelled. "Have you read the paper?"

"What are you talking about Naruto?" Shikamaru asked.

Naruto ran over and started reading aloud from the front page: "The medical examination of Maito Gai began last night, due to an anonymous 119 call by a man saying his friend was dying. Maito Gai was found alone in his house after the call was made, claiming to have experienced 'extreme abdominal pain', but to be feeling better. Though further test results have not yet been found, he says that he almost died."

Shikamaru had little enthusiasm to express.

"Isn't that a depressing story?" Naruto said sarcastically.

"Yeah, the 'almost' part is." Shikamaru walked away.

* * *

Later, everyone was outside, training. But the main topic of discussion remained the story about Gai.

"I'm seriously skeptical." Neji said. "I think Gai exaggerated the story."

"I think Gai's full of crap." Kiba said. "I wouldn't put it past him to have made the whole thing up."

"I agree with you." Sasuke said.

"How can you say that?" Lee said. "Gai-sensei would never tell a lie. I say his story is one hundred percent solid!"

"Yeah, solid crap." Sasuke said.

Everyone laughed at that statement. Then Gai came in.

"Hey kids." Gai said in the usual smug way that could piss you off in a second. "I don't suppose you read that story about me in the paper."

"Yeah, we read it." Naruto said.

"Pretty daring huh?" Gai asked.

"Yes!" Lee said, as everyone else said 'no' in unison.

"Well, I suppose you all can't wait to hear it." Gai said, as though anyone would care.

"Yes please, tell us Gai-sensei." Lee said.

"Sure, we'd love to hear _exactly_ what happened." Naruto said.

"Alright then!" Gai said. "Everyone gather 'round, but I warn you, this story isn't for the faint of heart.

More people gathered around to hear, firsthand, about the story in the news paper.

Gai began: "I was on a difficult mission in the scorching heat, with no food or water. We were trying to find a small but very expensive diamond earring. I know it was only a few weeks, but it seemed like a lifetime."

"Wait a minute, I was on the mission." Neji interrupted. "We were only out two hours and you went home early."

"Shut up Hyuuga!" Gai yelled. "I'm trying to tell a story that has nothing to do with you!"

"Well, unlike you, I was on that mission." Neji retorted.

"Just shut the fuck up!" Gai yelled. "Anyway, I entrusted my team with that mission, because they needed the training. As I headed home I began to feel a deep pain. When I got home the pain only became worse, like I was being torn apart from the inside out! I called 119, saying my 'friend' was in trouble, because, I admit, I don't like asking for help. As I waited for the paramedics, the pain grew even worse. I shouted 'I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE LIKE THIS!'"

"Let me guess,"Naruto said "You'd rather train yourself to death?"

"That's enough interruptions, Naruto." Gai said. "But yes. Now as I was saying, the pain seemed endless, yet in only a few seconds, it was all over. But I was still there. And I knew I would live. So I wiped my ass and got off the toilet."

"WHAT?!" Multiple people in the audience shouted.

"I took the biggest, driest, hardest, shit in the history of the world!" Gai proclaimed.

Everyone was seriously pissed off.

"Wow." Shikamaru said, turning to Neji. "I knew your sensei was a meat-head, but _damn_."

"I know right?" Neji said.

"I figured he was making it up." Kiba said.

Then Lady Tsunade walked in, carrying a file folder. "There you are Gai." She said. "I got back your medical test results. You're fine." She handed Gai the folder and walked away.

"I can't believe I wasted the whole morning listening to Gai's stupid story." Naruto said. "I need a shower."

People started clearing out, since they had better things to do. Lee was the only person left of the crowd. He walked up to Gai.

"Gai-sensei?" Lee said.

"Yes-Lee." Gai said, trying not to fall apart.

"You took the biggest crap in history, and yet you are still full of shit."

Lee briefly stuck up his middle finger at Gai's eye level, then walked away.

THE END


End file.
